i am tired

school is destroying my life so far... i even dropped a class and now i'm only taking three but still. i feel like all i do is sleep, class, work, study/homework, eat. that's seriously all i do. sometimes subtract the sleeping and eating.

nevertheless, amb retreat was this past weekend (it was fabulous) and iv retreat is this upcoming weekend. also, min and i had our first small group tonight and it was exciting. God has been convicting me lately. afterward i was talking to jen about our response to God's love; how we don't do things like prayer and church and devotionals for God, like, 'this is for you God, are you happy?' but we do them in response to God. and God doesn't get angry and leave us if we don't do those things because what we do isn't good enough for him anyway. but when we do those things we show God that we want to give him all we have because of everything he has given us. they represent the praise/thanks in our hearts and our desire to believe and seek him. i lose sight of that easily. and i haven't been giving God the proper response lately though he has been so good to me.

isn't he always though?

well, it's 6:23am and here i am, just done packing... my parents are coming to pick me up in an hour. i guess it's finally hit me that i'm actually done (!) with my first year of college. it's such a strange feeling. being on the quarter system means everyone else finished a few weeks ago, and it made me really eager to be done so i could enjoy my summer break. but now that i'm so close to moving back home, i have mixed feelings. i'm sooo relieved and happy to be finished (and that i survived my first year without failing) but at the same time, i'm sad because i know i'll miss the people and the general atmosphere here a lot. things will be different next year and some of the people i've become good friends with in this short year will be elsewhere. wow, so much has happened this year... it has been a growing experience and i don't want it to end because i don't want things to change. i know i complain about the workload and the intense atmosphere, but honestly it's really challenged me in every way and i've struggled through many different things... and i am constantly amazed by God's grace... despite all the times i fell and pushed Him away and wallowed in my own sin, He always found a way to bring me back... man, i've been humbled so many times this year... and i know God has blessed me alot. through all my failures and all the stupid things i managed to get caught up in this year, He showed me how very faithful He is. i got lost and struggled so much internally with selfish desires, insecurities, random relationship/friendship stuff, my views on certain things... i became distracted by school, by people, by whatever. and well, i started compromising and it became easier to put my spiritual life in cruise control. and i guess that was the state of my heart... though nobody could tell. but i know my own heart... and so does God. i need Him. i guess i'm still confused about certain things and always fighting of course... but i'm going. God is good. more than good, amazing. and when i rely on Him completely and trust and pray... i know i'm ready for whatever comes next.

Wow... I am constantly reminded about how awesome God is and how much He provides. During the Urbana conference, Rebecca Pippert's seminar reminded me that God always goes before us and will never desert us, so we shouldn't be afraid to talk to others about God or our beliefs. I guess for a while now, I've felt this desire to talk to my roommate about her religious beliefs and everything. I wasn't exactly sure why, but God was tugging at my heart. She's a really cool person and we get along really well, which is such a blessing in itself, cause I'm sure we've all heard horrible random roommate stories. I'd consider us good friends and we actually talk quite a bit. I kinda knew that she went to church back home, but I didn't know what she believed in or anything. I never really brought it up because, mostly, I never felt comfortable enough to ask her about it. As more and more things happened in her life and we grew closer, I felt it was important to first be supportive and be there for her as a friend. But I also felt the desire to talk to her grow stronger as well. So I really prayed about it, prayed for God to give me the right opportunity and the discernment and boldness to have that conversation. Last night, as we were talking, she casually brought up, "Did you get up early to go to church this morning?" because she knows I go to church every Sunday... so I said yes and she followed up with, "That's really cool... I think I want to go to church some Sunday, but I don't know which one to go to. I haven't been to church in a while." So I found out she does go to church back home and still believes... I was surprised and amazed and so happy... because that led to a conversation that I'm not going to write about here, but I'm really glad I got to talk to her and also share some of my own experiences and beliefs. I hope I'll get that chance again soon. God is so amazing... so, so amazing.

there are so many thoughts running through my mind, i'm not quite sure where to begin. lately, it feels like i haven't had much time for reflection, or anything really, unless its academic/work related. ahahaha. it's ok though, i actually love it here... most of the people are awesome and i like the intense academic environment. plus, i like my classes... and i think i'm doing decent. but it's certainly enough work to keep me well occupied and i'm actually procrastinating less now. anyway, what i really want to reflect on is my walk with God... so now that you've read my (unexciting) blurb on how college is, the rest of this is kinda long. but read on, if anyone actually reads xanga entries anymore...

i guess being in such an intellectual environment means that religion in general is kinda pigeonholed here... and people reject the idea of God (or god(s) in general) because it's not something that can be proven or they feel no need for a god. anyway, i've been praying for boldness, because i know this can be a great opportunity for evangelism... and it's really a test of faith, to live completely for God regardless of what others might think of me. so basically, being a Christian in college is hard. at least for me. i remember in ks we'd always talk about how there's these crazy stats of how many people fall away first year of college, but everytime i heard about it, i always thought it could never happen to me. but being here, i understand how easy it is. i'm pretty sure i wouldn't stop believing just because i have seen what God has done in my life and others', but in terms of actively seeking God and growing, it's so easy to let that slip away. like, to stop doing devos, stop going to church/fellowship. or even something like drinking... giving up beliefs you previously held. not that i have, but... not gonna lie, it's tempting. i guess it's difficult also because i don't have accountability or close friends here yet...

and that is super hard actually, cause i wish i had people to talk to about stuff or whatever. ahh well. i mean, i've met a lot great people here (both Christian and non) but it always takes time to get to know people and all. i guess life in general is kinda confusing for me right now, cause of the transition and all. something i've been really trying to figure out is where God is leading me to go to sunday service... and i'm just praying about it and trying to figure out God's direction and how he wants me to grow...

i haven't been growing as much as i can. i know some of it is getting settled but honestly, i don't know how to describe it... it's like i've been living in my own world, waiting for God to come to me... and then he just hit me on the head and made me think... what am i doing? this isn't how i wanted my relationship with God to be. last weekend, we went to michigan for aaiv/meiv fall retreat, and i realized one of the reasons i'm having problems seeking God whole-heartedly is because i'm holding onto something, and i can't accept that it's probably not what God wants for me. it's like i had an expectation for God to do something, but he didn't do it, and i haven't let it go. it's selfish, really. and then, it's always cool when people say things that make you realize... i felt like God was telling me that i should be focusing on him alone. mhm, conviction is good. so is prayer.

anyway, i wrote too much. and there's probably more or more details but here's not the place for it. plus, it's late. my roommate and i are actually just wasting time (cause we both don't have any work to do) and we have to get up for chem in the morning. so that is all. till next time, keep praying and... seek him.